Focus

Okay, so I'm in a much happier place than the last blog and I realize that too many unpredictable things happen to write this blog everyday. I know it's been awhile and will probably be choppy as usual. So here it goes:

About 5 weeks ago my father had foot surgery. He had an issue a few months back that caused his foot to get infected and partially gangrene which worried us because of the possibility of amputation. They put him on antibiotics right away and the infection started to disappear. He was going to an orthopedic surgeon in which they would gradually cut away any dead skin to help the healing process but later found out that as the good skin became exposed it would soon die and was not growing back underneath which eventually led to exposure of the bone. So with this my poor father who has been through a million and one surgeries in his 59 years, most of which were just in the last 20, 2 cancers, 2 or 3 triple bi-passes (one almost a quadruple), diabetes, blindness, and congestive heart failure among others, now has 2 more to deal with. He had a cleaning surgery about 5 weeks ago in which they basically cleaned out the wound and cut out all of the dead skin and some good to prevent any other decay and grind down a bit of the heel bone. So now he has been in rehab (nursing home) for the last 4 weeks and i hate him being in there. I've been a little stressed out about the situation because shortly before the surgery, my father asked me to be his healthcare proxy and care taker. I already knew that I was an emergency contact and I love my father very much and want to help, but the sad thing is that I am 1 of 4 children and I feel as though I am going it alone. I'm the middle daughter and our brother is the oldest. He lives with my father and admits to making about $60/hour. He doesn't pay rent and makes a fuss when he has to help my father grocery shop or stand in line for 5 minutes to get him some tylenol, but has no problem driving 45 minutes away to see his girlfriend and hasn't driven 5 minutes down the street to see his father in the hospital. Dad talked to him yesterday and told him he had to choose and I actually hope he decides to leave because with everything that I already have to do, I can't be dealling with him getting in the way and I told him that I had no sympathy for him. My older sister lives about 45 minutes away but has no problem helping me and has gone 3 times to see dad in the hospital. She is always telling me that if I need help or anything to just give her a call. I really appreciate just telling me. My younger sister and I are pretty close but when it comes to my father, she doesn't hesitate to tell me that she has plans before I even ask her to do anything until she finds out that it's just walking and feeding our father's dog. She still has yet to visit him in the nursing home. She went with me to see him on his surgery day and then we went to dinner and I let it all out. How frustrated I was and stressed out and how I felt like I was doing this on my own and that I was reaching out and asking for help and all she could say was, "You did volunteer to do this." What?!!! First of all, I didn't 'volunteer' and second, I shouldn't have to. He's OUR father, not just mine, and I'm not asking for anyone to do even half of what I do but I have a life of my own as well and shouldn't be forced to help out with our disabled father on my own, whether I volunteered or not. Anyway, my stress level is through the roof right now but for the most part when it comes to my dad, I just expect to be on my own and know that at least my older sister is there if I need her and if the dog needs attention when I am with dad, then my younger sister is at least there for that. I guess in some way I guess my younger sister probably thinks of me like my mother in the way that she would cause problems for herself and then complain about how she has to do everything, but I don't see it that way. First of all, I didn't make my father sick, and he doesn't want somebody to wait on him hand and foot (no pun intended). He wants to do as much as he can on his own and calls me if he needs anything because he knows that he can rely on me and that I don't do it out of spite and 'making myself look like a good person'. It's hard and putting a lot of strain on me because I almost feel like I am the only person who cares and that makes me sad. I also know that I wouldn't run away from it and the thing that is even sadder is that, I call my father and see him just to talk or spend some time with him and try to get him out of the house even when he doesn't have an appointment or has to go grocery shopping (in which I never rush him, even after working a 6-8 hour shift). I have my life too, my boyfriend (who is completely understanding), my friends whom I enjoy spending time with as well (who are undoubtedly supportive), my job (which is already hard enouhg with my own health problems and back issues do to a car accident 4 years ago), and I have my own hobbies and things I enjoy doing on my own so adding some time for my father shouldn't even be an issue whether he is sick or not. I make time for my family just like any normal person and just focus on myself or using the holidays as an excuse to not see someone any other time of the year. I enjoy the company of others just like anyone else, so my father should not be singled out and assumed to not want to be around anyone just because he is sick. I know he appreciates everything I do and enjoys spending time with me as do with him and thanks me everyday for all the hard work and time I put into him and he shouldn't have to because he is my father and sickness whould not be a reason to draw people to one another. I just wish others could see that.

Aside from feeling alone when it comes the helping out my father, the rest of my life is great. My boyfriend, my friends, spending time with my family aside from the issues, my job is fun, I have a great home right now for what I need, my hobbies and getting myself healthy. I really need that. I'm overweight and possible, in the books, considered morbidly obese. I don't want to be that way anymore and am going to give a healthy lifestyle a shot. I'm sure I will love it!

On another note, Jen had sent me this link about etsy sites and getting the to look great. I haven't downloaded the book yet but if you like arts, crafts, vintage/retro junk, or just buying things like I do, then it might even be worth a shot to check it out. It's a free download if you spread the word. Give it a shot: http://onthedotcreations.typepad.com/onthedotcreations/secrets-of-savvy-etsy-sellers.html

Good luck gang and have fun!