So I haven't blogged in about a week or so, almost two. I've been doing a lot of thinking and really feel that my long term goal is to become a homemaker. I wish it was as easy as it is for some of you, but somehow I don't know if it will really work out for me. I'm starting to doubt my relationship with my beau and don't feel as though he sees us together for the long haul. We've spoken of and joked about marriage and I surely wish I could be with him "forever", but I'm really not sure our long term goals will mesh well. I really appreciate all of the information that Donna has given me about how to go about working it into my everyday life but it has seem to put my relationship to a hault and I just can't have that. I really feel that with all of the horrible abusive realtionships that I have been in, it's quite a wonderful change to not be in one that gets physical.
I understand that Donna believes that my guy will not mind if I slowly pack away some of HIS things to make a little room for OUR things, but I tried it and he feels as though I am taking over and attacking him. Those were his words. We tried having a go at a conversation for me to let him know what I want in the long run and I asked him to just speak with Donna's husband to see how he liked it, and he quickly replied that he was not him and he didn't want to be compared, which is not what I was doing in the first place. I don't want to have to choose my future or my man because frankly, not too many men are that understanding about working all day and coming home to have to support their wife that they feel, "sits around all day watching tv" which I tried to explain was not true. All I've been trying to do is make our home nice so he doesn't have to worry about it but all I am doing to him is moving HIS stuff around. I wasn't even ready to have the discussion with him anyway, but he was and it ruined all hope for me to prepare and explain to him what I want for our future and he just seems to think that a housewife or homemaker has to have children to be able to stay home with no job. Why do I have to give up my dream of what I want because he doesn't understand what I am trying to say?
I don't know how to go about fixing this situation, because quite frankly, I don't want to have to think that because what I want is not what he wants and that I shouldn't be with him because of it. That's stupid. My whole life I've run away from guys who have physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, and economically abused me and now I am with someone who does none of these things and I only think it because he wants me to keep a job? I am so brainwashed by the recession, society, how my mother was as a wife, and how someone else perceives her in my life. Why is it so hard to make my own decision and why can't my boyfriend understand what I am trying to explain to him?
Why the hell am I so trapped? I don't know what to do. For all I know my long term goal may change in a few months and if I leave my boyfriend because of it, I know he will not take me back. Why am I questioning how much he really loves me because I want to move a few things around? Why does he care if I want to move a few things around? Why wouldn't he want me to do all of the work around the house, especially when I want to? Why can't I have the life I want? I'm pushing 30 but I'm not there yet and I've already had more relationship experience than most. I really think that because of it, my head is so clouded that I just don't know what I want or what is right anymore.
What would you do?
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Hi Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so troubled and confused about what to do right now!
As for the issues with moving your beau's things around, what do you know about his family and family life when he was growing up?
See, I still struggle with this issue a bit myself. Growing up, one of my relatives was not good about respecting my boundaries and would do things like take food off my plate while I was eating, or grab the TV remote out of my hand and change the channel like I wasn't there. So when someone would move my things without asking, I would freak out because it would take me back to being that powerless little kid. Of course, for a long time this was all unconscious, so I didn't really understand why I felt that way I just knew that it made me angry and uncomfortable. I understand this a lot better today, but, I still need to have one small space that is just for me and my things. If I'm feeling antsy about something of mine, I move it to my desk. DH knows not to touch anything on my desk and this helps me feel safe. Crazy huh? :)
Do you have a journal that you write in? If not a pad of paper or spiral notebook will be fine. Grab a pen or pencil and just start writing down whatever comes into your head. If you can't think just write -I don't know what to write, I feel confused, etc.. and keep writing for at least 15 minutes. Then, put it away until the next day before you read it.
When I do this and read over it, I usually find that I have written some things down that I was not completely aware of until I saw it there on the page. You don't have to show it to anybody else unless you want to. This is your private place to be completely gut level honest with yourself about how you feel, what you think, etc...
Once I had those bare facts, deciding what to do was always much clearer.
I hope you find your answers!
Hairball- Thank you so much. I guess I didn't really think of it that way. It's not that I am trying to get rid of his things, but merely make our living space a little nicer for both of us. 50's Gal had mentioned in her last blog about the studio we are trying to fix up. Right now my guy and I live in a 2 bedroom condo and The 2nd bedroom is my sewing room right now. He was the one who let me have that space and he didn't have any use of it until months after I moved in. since then he has some money making hobbies that also take up quite a bit of room and work space, so it is in the living room. It is embarrassing to me to have the living room be filled with dust, saws and other drilling tools when we have company. I simply don't feel comfortable especially since we have an open kitchen and we spend most of our time there. So going back to the studio, I have decided to move all of my sewing stuff out of that room and give him his room back. I think deep down inside I almost feel as though he talks to me as if it is HIS apartment, HIS stuff in it, HIS space, and that I just live there until he feels like kicking me out. I guess I do need to pull out my journal and start writing again. But at the same time, it's not going to help him understand my feelings anymore, especially when he doesn't want to listen now. Thank you for your input. Sorry some of my blogs are a little sappy and not as upbeat as 50s Gal's.
ReplyDeleteStephanie,
ReplyDeleteThat is a tough one. You and I have very different goals in life, but I think you know what I think anyway; you need to be happy first. Try writing down all of your points to the debate and sit down with him and try it again. I'm sure he'll listen to your side if it's well organized...especially if he found realizes that it's your relationship on the line. My two cents.
Thanks, Renee. We just realized that we have a lot of learning about each other to do and of ourselves. I did sit down and talk to him about the situation, not so much as a business aspect, but as a relationship like we needed to do. We talked for at least an hour and found out some pretty interesting quirks about each other that make us think that we need to be more aware of each other's feelings and emotions. Everything is fine for now and I think we are trying each day to learn more and more about each other. And he did say to me that he wants to be with me forever and wants to someday marry me. I now know that he wants a family just like I do and that he lives for today so that our future will happen and I still need to think about what I really want, aside from a family, because we know we both want that.
ReplyDeleteThat's marvelous! It's great news and even better news knowing now that you guys can work through the deeps and difficults of a real, adult relationship without anyone getting hurt or feeling misunderstood or ignored, or worse, abused. This is huge and a magnificently beautiful step toward a future that you both want. *^_^*
ReplyDeletehey, I'm a bit late at this one, and I'm sure you've worked it out, to a degree, at least...but I just found your blog.
ReplyDeleteanyway, I just have to say that you CAN'T try to figure out/fix YOUR relationship based on ANYONE elses. everyone works differently. the fact that you are so troubled by the situation says to me that you don't want to leave. you just need to come to terms with the fact that you both need space for your craft and belongings, but you only have so much space. it's all about acceptance. you can't have everything you want at that minute. someday down the road you may be able to afford a bigger place, less working hours and more 'homemaking' hours. but until then, you are obviously willing to deal with it, if it means staying with someone who loves you and that you love. hubby and i went through similar times, when we had a our one-bedroom apartment. it was barely enough space for the two of us, much less our 'stuff'. but you work through it, knowing that it will not always be like this. life moves on, and if the love is still there, you just move along with it. some things you can change, some things you can't.
and that's my opinion.