Gardening, Pescetarianism, and a Healthier Outlook on Life.

So I haven't blogged in quite awhile, 2 months to be exact. I've never really been one to write down all of my thoughts but I feel, to help myself be healthier, not only physically but mentally and emotionally, I should take the time to do so. Along with blogging I have added a few more healthy meditative items to my plate and am making the time to fit them all in.

January 14th, 2010, I joined a woman's gym. It is fantastic! I never thought that I would be so excited about working out and exercise. I'm the heaviest I had ever been. I've always been a large girl but I've never weighed more than 215 lbs. I shamefully admit that on that winter day, I had gone to the doctor's for a routine check up for some issues that I had been having and when I was weighed, I told myself that that was it. I weighed 248 lbs. I could cry just thinking about it now. How did I let myself get this way? I had to make some changes. So the first thing I did was join that gym. I knew that if I had done some type of trial membership that afterward I would have just said, 'Thanks for the free trial, but no thanks.' I needed to take that plunge to push myself to a healthier me. Not only am I exercising regularly but I have changed my eating habits completely. And Woki is right on board with me. We are doing everything we can to help stay with each other longer, happier and healthier. I have always been one for red meat. I love it and when I have it, it's as rare as rare can be. So I haven't bought red meat in a very long time because it's become so GD expensive. So I just gave up. Woki doesn't really eat red meat anyway unless its a burger and even then I think he prefers ground turkey. Neither one of us really enjoys pork products unless it's bacon. I think we just find it so dry and unflavorful. So that leaves us with chicken which is now getting pretty pricey itself. We eat a pretty good amount of fish and it's pretty easy to find fish cheaper than meat. So Woki and I have decided to try to become vegetarians that eat fish. This is called a pescetarian. I have to say that I am quite excited about it but Woki said he doesn't remember agreeing to the fish part. That's okay, more for me. The hard thing for him though is the fact that he is very picky about his vegetable tastes.

That brings me to a new hobby that I have already come to love: Gardening!!! It's not even Spring yet and I am so excited about turning my second floor deck into a garden. It's all planned out. And I've started some seeds already to make sure that I don't have a black thumb before putting the money, time and effort into something that may not grow. This garden will contain the majority of our food intake for the Spring, Summer and partially fall. I'm hoping enough will grow to freeze, can and preserve. I'll write another blog just about the garden and my plans.

This is a photo of one of my pickling cucumber plants that I started. The photo was taken on March 1st, 2010.

I'm starting to read more and find healthier ways to stimulate my mind. I never liked to read in school but I love it now. I've become really interested in documentaries and memoirs, and I think i'm going to try to get back into Buddhism. Renee had bought Buddhism for Beginners for me awhile back and I started to read it and probably got distracted by other things that are not good for me, like smoking, drinking, eating junk and watching t.v. Not one of my proudest moments. This year is going to be a huge change of lifestyle for me. I need to do everything I possibly can to be healthy. And that includes stress. I think I may need to seek outside help for my road rage and possibly take some anger management courses. I think I will look into it. A calm me is a healthy me.

The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.

New Year's Eve... Ugh!

So it's 11:43pm and instead of partying like everyone else I know on New Year's Eve, I'm snuggled up in my pj's type type typin' along on my laptop in bed with the Wokster and some of my fave Beatles tunes. It's great! At least if I wanted a quick drink at midnight I could just bring it into the bedroom with me and not have to worry about driving home afterward. I'm comfy and I'm okay with not partying like a rockstar too much anymore. It's just not my thing anymore. I'm good having a few people over to play Rock Band. Haha. It's true though.

So I've talked to Jen, my big sis for those of you who don't know, today which was the first time since Christmas Eve. I guess she commented on my last blog. Haha I know this now. So she gave me some good pointers in the comment she left about trying to lose weight. The problem is that I don't really like walking by myself and Woki just doesn't want to. I asked him. And I have the worst time working out to videos. However I love lifting weights and the whole atmosphere of the gym. I think I may just invest in a good one and go for the membership. The question is do I go for the one closest to home or to work? Oh the dilemma! hmm! Anywho, Jen made an amazing proposition earlier that would probably help me to lose weight as well. Here's the scoop:
Our father owns a 1967 Plymouth Barracuda that could use a little help. Actually it was a project car that he invested in for he and I to work on together, a sort of father daughter thing. However things don't always work out the way you plan and some things just end up sitting out in the snow unfinished. What actually happened is that my brother caught wind of this so called project and decided to so to speak take over. The problem is that he never finished it and was so wishy washy and very controlling of the whole thing even though he was never really invited in on the project in the first place. So anyway, the car is now sitting in our father's yard covered in snow and Jen suggested that we, meaning she and I, take on the project again and try to finish it by summer so we can actually enjoy it, as well as our father who is currently in a wheelchair. So I ran the idea passed dad today and he laughed and wondered how I talked Jen into the whole idea and then when exclaimed that it was her idea, his jaw dropped so fast. It was pretty funny. I think he seemed scared at first but warmed up pretty quickly to the idea that 2 of his girls were actually interested in working on a classic car. So needless to say, he okayed the project.

So aside from blogging about new flavors of jams and what sweet experiments I will be undertaking, Jen and I will be doing a sort of "joint blog" (without so much as joining them) about our '67 Barracuda Project. Great idea, Jen! I'm totally down! When do we start?!

So everyone I'm on my way to bed. It's 12:18am. In the words of Eddie Murphy's character, Billy Ray Valentine in the movie Trading Places, Merry New Year!!! I hope this year will be that much better than the last. Ciao!

The New Year and what is ahead of us...

So it's almost New Year's and I've decided that I might make my blog a catalog of my jams and jellies and other delicious treats that i will create throughout the year. So christmas has come and gone so quickly and I received quite the collection of "old timey" cookbooks for jams and jellies and such sweet treats. The funny thing is that I really need to lose weight this year. I'm pretty sure that I have gained at least 30 pounds this year alone and it's really taking a toll on my psyche. It's really hard to lose weight when you love sweets as much as I do and just don't care about exercising as little as one possibly could. So I suppose I have quite the collection of resolutions this year: exercise and don't eat all of the jam that I make. I think that's pretty reasonable, don't you?! So I will certainly try to blog more and I'm sure none of you expect me to make jam everyday. Well I guess this is a short one. Maybe I will pick up on it later. Ciao for now!

Focus

Okay, so I'm in a much happier place than the last blog and I realize that too many unpredictable things happen to write this blog everyday. I know it's been awhile and will probably be choppy as usual. So here it goes:

About 5 weeks ago my father had foot surgery. He had an issue a few months back that caused his foot to get infected and partially gangrene which worried us because of the possibility of amputation. They put him on antibiotics right away and the infection started to disappear. He was going to an orthopedic surgeon in which they would gradually cut away any dead skin to help the healing process but later found out that as the good skin became exposed it would soon die and was not growing back underneath which eventually led to exposure of the bone. So with this my poor father who has been through a million and one surgeries in his 59 years, most of which were just in the last 20, 2 cancers, 2 or 3 triple bi-passes (one almost a quadruple), diabetes, blindness, and congestive heart failure among others, now has 2 more to deal with. He had a cleaning surgery about 5 weeks ago in which they basically cleaned out the wound and cut out all of the dead skin and some good to prevent any other decay and grind down a bit of the heel bone. So now he has been in rehab (nursing home) for the last 4 weeks and i hate him being in there. I've been a little stressed out about the situation because shortly before the surgery, my father asked me to be his healthcare proxy and care taker. I already knew that I was an emergency contact and I love my father very much and want to help, but the sad thing is that I am 1 of 4 children and I feel as though I am going it alone. I'm the middle daughter and our brother is the oldest. He lives with my father and admits to making about $60/hour. He doesn't pay rent and makes a fuss when he has to help my father grocery shop or stand in line for 5 minutes to get him some tylenol, but has no problem driving 45 minutes away to see his girlfriend and hasn't driven 5 minutes down the street to see his father in the hospital. Dad talked to him yesterday and told him he had to choose and I actually hope he decides to leave because with everything that I already have to do, I can't be dealling with him getting in the way and I told him that I had no sympathy for him. My older sister lives about 45 minutes away but has no problem helping me and has gone 3 times to see dad in the hospital. She is always telling me that if I need help or anything to just give her a call. I really appreciate just telling me. My younger sister and I are pretty close but when it comes to my father, she doesn't hesitate to tell me that she has plans before I even ask her to do anything until she finds out that it's just walking and feeding our father's dog. She still has yet to visit him in the nursing home. She went with me to see him on his surgery day and then we went to dinner and I let it all out. How frustrated I was and stressed out and how I felt like I was doing this on my own and that I was reaching out and asking for help and all she could say was, "You did volunteer to do this." What?!!! First of all, I didn't 'volunteer' and second, I shouldn't have to. He's OUR father, not just mine, and I'm not asking for anyone to do even half of what I do but I have a life of my own as well and shouldn't be forced to help out with our disabled father on my own, whether I volunteered or not. Anyway, my stress level is through the roof right now but for the most part when it comes to my dad, I just expect to be on my own and know that at least my older sister is there if I need her and if the dog needs attention when I am with dad, then my younger sister is at least there for that. I guess in some way I guess my younger sister probably thinks of me like my mother in the way that she would cause problems for herself and then complain about how she has to do everything, but I don't see it that way. First of all, I didn't make my father sick, and he doesn't want somebody to wait on him hand and foot (no pun intended). He wants to do as much as he can on his own and calls me if he needs anything because he knows that he can rely on me and that I don't do it out of spite and 'making myself look like a good person'. It's hard and putting a lot of strain on me because I almost feel like I am the only person who cares and that makes me sad. I also know that I wouldn't run away from it and the thing that is even sadder is that, I call my father and see him just to talk or spend some time with him and try to get him out of the house even when he doesn't have an appointment or has to go grocery shopping (in which I never rush him, even after working a 6-8 hour shift). I have my life too, my boyfriend (who is completely understanding), my friends whom I enjoy spending time with as well (who are undoubtedly supportive), my job (which is already hard enouhg with my own health problems and back issues do to a car accident 4 years ago), and I have my own hobbies and things I enjoy doing on my own so adding some time for my father shouldn't even be an issue whether he is sick or not. I make time for my family just like any normal person and just focus on myself or using the holidays as an excuse to not see someone any other time of the year. I enjoy the company of others just like anyone else, so my father should not be singled out and assumed to not want to be around anyone just because he is sick. I know he appreciates everything I do and enjoys spending time with me as do with him and thanks me everyday for all the hard work and time I put into him and he shouldn't have to because he is my father and sickness whould not be a reason to draw people to one another. I just wish others could see that.

Aside from feeling alone when it comes the helping out my father, the rest of my life is great. My boyfriend, my friends, spending time with my family aside from the issues, my job is fun, I have a great home right now for what I need, my hobbies and getting myself healthy. I really need that. I'm overweight and possible, in the books, considered morbidly obese. I don't want to be that way anymore and am going to give a healthy lifestyle a shot. I'm sure I will love it!

On another note, Jen had sent me this link about etsy sites and getting the to look great. I haven't downloaded the book yet but if you like arts, crafts, vintage/retro junk, or just buying things like I do, then it might even be worth a shot to check it out. It's a free download if you spread the word. Give it a shot: http://onthedotcreations.typepad.com/onthedotcreations/secrets-of-savvy-etsy-sellers.html

Good luck gang and have fun!

A Question of Self Worth

So I haven't blogged in about a week or so, almost two. I've been doing a lot of thinking and really feel that my long term goal is to become a homemaker. I wish it was as easy as it is for some of you, but somehow I don't know if it will really work out for me. I'm starting to doubt my relationship with my beau and don't feel as though he sees us together for the long haul. We've spoken of and joked about marriage and I surely wish I could be with him "forever", but I'm really not sure our long term goals will mesh well. I really appreciate all of the information that Donna has given me about how to go about working it into my everyday life but it has seem to put my relationship to a hault and I just can't have that. I really feel that with all of the horrible abusive realtionships that I have been in, it's quite a wonderful change to not be in one that gets physical.

I understand that Donna believes that my guy will not mind if I slowly pack away some of HIS things to make a little room for OUR things, but I tried it and he feels as though I am taking over and attacking him. Those were his words. We tried having a go at a conversation for me to let him know what I want in the long run and I asked him to just speak with Donna's husband to see how he liked it, and he quickly replied that he was not him and he didn't want to be compared, which is not what I was doing in the first place. I don't want to have to choose my future or my man because frankly, not too many men are that understanding about working all day and coming home to have to support their wife that they feel, "sits around all day watching tv" which I tried to explain was not true. All I've been trying to do is make our home nice so he doesn't have to worry about it but all I am doing to him is moving HIS stuff around. I wasn't even ready to have the discussion with him anyway, but he was and it ruined all hope for me to prepare and explain to him what I want for our future and he just seems to think that a housewife or homemaker has to have children to be able to stay home with no job. Why do I have to give up my dream of what I want because he doesn't understand what I am trying to say?

I don't know how to go about fixing this situation, because quite frankly, I don't want to have to think that because what I want is not what he wants and that I shouldn't be with him because of it. That's stupid. My whole life I've run away from guys who have physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, and economically abused me and now I am with someone who does none of these things and I only think it because he wants me to keep a job? I am so brainwashed by the recession, society, how my mother was as a wife, and how someone else perceives her in my life. Why is it so hard to make my own decision and why can't my boyfriend understand what I am trying to explain to him?

Why the hell am I so trapped? I don't know what to do. For all I know my long term goal may change in a few months and if I leave my boyfriend because of it, I know he will not take me back. Why am I questioning how much he really loves me because I want to move a few things around? Why does he care if I want to move a few things around? Why wouldn't he want me to do all of the work around the house, especially when I want to? Why can't I have the life I want? I'm pushing 30 but I'm not there yet and I've already had more relationship experience than most. I really think that because of it, my head is so clouded that I just don't know what I want or what is right anymore.

What would you do?

Fun in the Sun on Windy Cape Cod

So, today was yet another fun day with 50s Gal. As usual, we dressed in our vintage inspired clothing and headed to the fabric store. I was on my way to find samples for a custom dress that I am making for a rockabilly girl on Etsy. I'm really excited to find out which one she chooses and I can work my magic. 50s Gal was purchasing material for some dresses she wanted to work on later today. I hope if she is not writing her blog that she is working on them now. She got some adorable prints that I know I will be rummaging through her closet to wear some day. I can't wait for her followers to see them. So we were both so glad that it was not too cold that we could go without our jackets and just wear long sleeves or our sweaters. Even though our jackets are vintage, it's still nice to not have so much bulk covering up our loveliness.

On our way back we stopped, of course, at the diner for our coffee and sweets. It's just what every gal needs after a few hours of fabric shopping. And after wards we headed home. On our way we decided that it would be nice to stop and take a few photographs in all our vintageness (not even a word) on the ocean. It really was beautiful today and I'm glad we had a chance to do so, because it really looks quite gloomy now as i peer out the window. I won't put a photo of her up because I'm sure she would not be too thrilled if I do not run it passed her first. Sorry folks. We really have a lot of fun even if it is just searching for that right print for a dress. I could spend all day doing so. It makes me feel good that she cares enough about my opinion to ask and that she truly takes it to consideration while choosing that right vintage print. I'm kind of jealous that she found this adorable chocolate brown and deep coral pink fabric and I can't wait to snatch it from her one day. lol. I made this skirt in this photo. These 3 photos of me were taken today.

So today I still have a few things that need to get done myself. My sister has a small role in a local movie and she asked me to make a few changes to a jacket that I had made for her a couple of years ago for a fashion show that I did in Boston. She was one of my models and I kind of ran out time to put the sleeves on for her. Oops! Well anyway, I need to do that today, and I will. I wanted to make a pair of high-waisted 50s rockabilly jeans for myself, but that will have to wait. I'm also in the process of reading The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Everybody I talk to whose read it keeps telling me that it is the boring one of the 3. I like it a lot so I can't wait to read the other 2. I've already sent the image samples to the girl requesting the custom dress, so that is one thing off my list but I still need to figure out what to make for dinner.

So I will leave you with this semi boring blog today. Hope 50s Gal's is more exciting. See you all next time! Here is a photo of a pineapple upside-down cake I made!

And so it begins...

So I've finally come to take the time to do this, blogging, that is. I don't really have an exciting life and am not foregoing any life projects like "my vintage friend", 50s gal. Oh but how I do enjoy her company so and most of my blogs will probably include her because everything interesting i do involves her and I hear she includes me in her blogs as well. So here we go...

I'm a woman in my mid 20s but am getting sadly and frighteningly closer to the age of 30. It's not that I have a problem with turning 30, it's that I have a problem with turning 30 and haven't really gone anywhere with my life or in the stage that I wish I was. I'm thankfully not single or in a bad relationship, like I am so oddly and sadly use to. He is a darling man and really has his life together but has a great fear of socializing. He is shyer than I have ever imagined anyone being shy. To the point that he really might be afraid of meeting new people, which sometimes keeps me cooped up inside with him, for I am not one to do things by myself. But all in all, we all have insecurities and I think I am beginning to be okay with his after the long talk over corned beef and chili with my vintage friend at "God's place". (This is not the real name of the restaurant but a silly one we gave it for we believe the people running it may be a weird religious cult of some kind.) Anywho, My friend assured me that he is just used to a certain way of being and not having to be around a lot, or even a few people. I understand his issues because I have them as well and it is hard for me to explain mine to him from time to time. Socially we are 2 completely different people and it is hard sometimes but I think that is what makes our relationship work. I explained to my friend that I keep having these dreams that constantly make me insecure about the relationship that I am in because they always make me scared that he will leave me. She honestly replied: " If your relationship ends, I truly believe that you will leave him for someone else because you will find a cool rockabilly guy that is into the same things you are, and he never goes out so who is he going to leave you for?" She makes a great point. It is hard however that we just don't have much in common but I do love him. I just wish I had more friends that have the same interests as me. I'm just beginning to think that I may never have the family I hoped for.

I have one friend that enjoys all of the vintage things I love. And that is 50s gal. We don't leave the house unless we are wearing 50's inspired clothing. I have a job outside of home so I have a dress code to follow, but in my spare time I'm wearing anything but lazy, modern and so-called trendy. Which ironically is what my guy prefers me to wear, comfortable. I hate it. I like to look and feel sexy and not lazy and dumpy. It's bad enough that in today's society I am considered fat, plus size or even OBESE! What?! I mean come on. So the last thing I want to do is emphasize this. So of course it is hard for myself to find vintage clothing of the 40s and 50s to fit a figure such as mine, for I'll admit that I am a little curvier than others would admit, so I am forced to make my own. This is absolutely fine with me. I love it! I am an aspiring clothing designer and all of my inspirations are from the 1940s and 50s. Some are a little more modern and rockabilly but I like to stay as classic as possible.

I started sewing when i was about 7,8, or 9. I started out making pencil skirts and sweater vests for my Barbie dolls out of old socks. I would find just the right part of the sock, mark it with a marker or crayon, cut it out and hand sew them back together to fit my dolls. It was wonderful and Barbie never looked better. I've always been interested and when I really started sewing, I started out making clothes for myself and still do. Now I have a few items for sale on my etsy site that is linked to my blog. All of the items currently listed are one of a kind items but I am always willing to do custom work. I prefer one of a kind because I never want to look like anyone else or wear the same thing that anyone can get anywhere. I like being me and not worrying about where i got my clothing or how many other people would be wearing it too.

So anyway, I've rambled on enough for today so I will go but please come back again and be sure to take a look at my friends blog and follow her on her journey into the past back to 1955.

(not my vintage friend), for modeling it here in this photo.